It should come as no surprise, based on my childhood outbursts, that my first controlled curse was based in negative emotions. I still believe it was a success, despite Ella’s disapproval.

This curse begins, much to Ella’s dismay, in jealousy. I have never been a particularly attractive or charismatic person. Ella says this is common among magical folk as it is necessary for survival. True or not, I still ended up lacking two traits that our society highly values. I’ve done a lot of work getting to a point where I can simply live my life without worrying without comparing myself to others. Unfortunately, getting there required living through many experiences that I look back on and am ashamed of the way I felt.

In one particular instance, a friend and I went out for drinks (pre-pandemic). She tends to be busier than I am so I was excited for the opportunity to spend some time catching up with her. She is also much more attractive and charismatic than I am so I was disappointed but not surprised when a man much older than us accosted her at the beginning of the evening and kept her in conversation for the rest of the night.

I later learned that she was having just as miserable time as I was but in the moment I was too jealous to recognize the signs. There was a constant mention of her boyfriend and the maintenance of a physical distance between them. There were all of the linguistic cues women used to deaden a conversation, but not end it for fear of escalation.

I was ashamed of my thoughts and actions and how blindly I had bought into the societal dictate that for women there is no such thing as unwanted attention. I promised I would do better, be a better friend, next time the opportunity presented itself. I did not realize it would happen so soon.

This time, my friend, her boyfriend, and I we’re out with a large group of people which insulated us from skeezy older men and allowed me to passively enjoy the conversation happening around me. During a pause in conversation I glanced around the bar I just saw that same man from a few weeks before scanning the room and setting his eyes upon a group of three young college students before moving to the bar to order a drink.

I excused myself from the conversation and slipped easily behind the busy bar. Sometimes it is not so bad to be invisible. He noticed me this time. I locked eyes with him and motioned for him to come towards the bar, but he did not recognize me. He ordered a well drink. Apparently I was not someone he needed to impress with a pretentious order. As I made it, I thought of much he annoyed me that night he’d so presumptuously commandeered my conversation with a friend. And I thought of those three girls standing in a tight circle at a cocktail table in the corner of the bar, clearly not looking to interact with anybody else, and I handed him his drink. He paid with a 10 which I handed to the harried bartender at the register and told her he did not need any change and then I left.

I told my friend I thought I saw the man from a couple weeks ago on my way back from the bathroom. She recognized him with a sneer and noticed his trajectory towards the three college students in the corner. I watched with anticipation as he crossed the room, silently begging him to take a sip of his drink before he reached the table. He did, just before stepping in to their line of sight.

He approached them with all the confidence of someone who had known them for 20 years. They would have been toddlers at best. They looked at him with confusion and not a hint of recognition. Their conversation stopped with a quick flurry of glances and head shakes that confirmed none of them knew him. He set his drink down on their table, much to their shock. He opened his mouth to say something, maybe introduce himself, but no words came out. He tried again and again with the same result while the students looked on confused and concerned. One of them finally asked if he needed any help but he shook his head and managed to croak “No, I’m sorry,” and walked away. They closed ranks again and shrugged the whole incident off as drunk people antics, before returning to their conversation. I must commend them for not laughing throughout the whole ordeal. We certainly did.

-Erica

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