It doesn’t take a genius to realize that I’ve been quite overwhelmed for a while. Work is demanding, especially with this new call system. Life is demanding, per usual when you don’t quite have enough money to fulfill your basic needs. Add in the extra doctors appointments (primary, ultrasound, specialist), and it’s hard to actually relax. 

When I do have time, I usually am on my phone or watching TV. I do these things because somewhere along the line, I decided it was a treat for myself. Add to that the false feeling of scarcity imparted by limited childhood screen time, and I almost feel like I have to be on my phone or else I might not get this opportunity again. 

I haven’t quit using my phone cold turkey. That would be insane. I am trying to go on it less because, honestly, I don’t feel that much better when I’m on it. If I have a spare second, I should be enjoying it. Not doing something that I dislike slightly less than what I’m currently doing.

How did I come to this conclusion? Simply thinking about the amount of time I spend just scrolling. Scrolling through instagram without really looking at anything, scrolling through reddit without reading anything, scrolling through youtube without watching anything. I’m trying to be a little more intentional about what I consume. And if I feel overwhelmed, to do something that actually calms me down instead of something that overstimulates me with a different set of inputs. 

How am I going to do this? Well, bringing my knitting with me, of course! In all seriousness, though, I have started bringing it to work and to my numerous appointments. The swatchbook project is great to work on in tiny pieces because the swatches are very repetitive and I’m not waiting for a certain part of the pattern. Since I’m going to so many appointments and my new company is enforcing my lunch break (there are some positives!), I’m getting a lot more done.

It’s a small step, but at least it’s a step. I’m not trying to do anything drastic because I’m still exhausted and in pain most of the time. And sometimes I do just want to chill out and watch tv. That’s kind of the point, though. I’m trying to listen to my body and my feelings and do what I think is best for me in the moment instead of the habit I’ve created. 

I’ll check back in soon.

-Erica

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