mental health

The Bramble Stitch: Self-advocacy baby steps

Erica, Free

One of the problems with chronic illness is that making doctor’s appointments is often the exact kind of task that always seems like too much. When my old company was bought out, we changed insurance providers, and most of my old doctors were out of network. That was fine with me anyway since I wasn’t terribly happy with either of them. 

The problem is that finding a new doctor is still finding a new doctor, whether it’s on the old insurance portal or the new one. But I had resolved to at least find answers this year, so I had to find a new doctor. I thought about all the barriers I’d let get in my way before and made a plan to remove them. Here are some of the barriers I identified from finding a new primary care physician.

  1. Time and energy: Do the most important things when you are awake and alert. I usually tell myself that I have to do these things after work, but I’m always tired. What’s stopping me from taking a quiet moment at work (on a break if you have to) to search for a new provider and call and make an appointment? Well it might be…
  2. Necessary materials: Get everything you will need together before you start. I knew from past experience that I would need my insurance information and both my phone and work calendars.
  3. Mental Roadblocks: Whatever you need to say to psych yourself up, do it. Embarrassed to make a phone call in an open office? Don’t be. Everyone has to see the doctor sometime. Worried about the receptionist on the other line before? Think about the last time you went to the doctor. At best, the receptionist was friendly, at worst, you barely registered with them. Why would they be any different over the phone?
  4. Appointment Dread: look up the doctor on their network website. See if they have specialization areas that match your concerns. If you need to (I felt like I did), use the filters to select a provider you will feel more comfortable with.

So, where have I been for two months? At a lot of doctor’s appointments. I finally found a primary care physician who didn’t dismiss my debilitating menstrual pain as “just cramps,” and recommended an OBGYN who could help me. I saw that provider, who was able to all but confirm the diagnosis. 

And in all those waiting rooms – bramble stitch.

-Erica

Braided Cable Stitch: So What’s Up with My job?

Erica, Free

I mentioned in some previous posts that my previous company was bought out. My former boss was offered a lot of money and essentially a get-out-of-jail-free card for those massive contracts we couldn’t fulfill. 

The company that bought us out is a national swag supplier (I’m not allowed to say who).* They kept on most of the previous staff, especially warehouse and manufacturing staff and, you guessed it, customer service. Did I always think of my role as primarily customer service? No. I would have said more administrative or office management, but under the new regime, I am a customer service representative with administrative duties.

The pay is marginally better than my previous company and the responsibilities are largely the same. The nice part is that this company seems to have a decent understanding of how much work our shop can handle. The tough part is I am responsible for our direct line and handling calls from the company’s 1-800 number as sort of a remote call center representative. It has been a lot to learn really fast. 

Why am I still here? Well, the benefits are good. And I have an inkling that I might need surgery if I really do have endometriosis. Plus, now that I have at least some medical answers, my stress level has decreased. 

It’s not an increase in energy levels, but it does make me feel a lot better. I even learned how to do a braided cable stitch! I had to use a different yarn for this one. The cotton just wasn’t working for cables like I hoped. I think it came out great!

Braided cables are one of those stitches that I always thought would be too complicated for me, but it turns out they’re not so difficult! Maybe that’s a lesson I should apply to other areas of my life…

-Erica

*obviously the company Erica works for is as fictional as she is. Don’t come for me.

Photo of a knitted swatch in bamboo stitch

The Bamboo Stitch: The Opposite of Being Overwhelmed is not to choose what overwhelms me

Erica, Free

It doesn’t take a genius to realize that I’ve been quite overwhelmed for a while. Work is demanding, especially with this new call system. Life is demanding, per usual when you don’t quite have enough money to fulfill your basic needs. Add in the extra doctors appointments (primary, ultrasound, specialist), and it’s hard to actually relax. 

When I do have time, I usually am on my phone or watching TV. I do these things because somewhere along the line, I decided it was a treat for myself. Add to that the false feeling of scarcity imparted by limited childhood screen time, and I almost feel like I have to be on my phone or else I might not get this opportunity again. 

I haven’t quit using my phone cold turkey. That would be insane. I am trying to go on it less because, honestly, I don’t feel that much better when I’m on it. If I have a spare second, I should be enjoying it. Not doing something that I dislike slightly less than what I’m currently doing.

How did I come to this conclusion? Simply thinking about the amount of time I spend just scrolling. Scrolling through instagram without really looking at anything, scrolling through reddit without reading anything, scrolling through youtube without watching anything. I’m trying to be a little more intentional about what I consume. And if I feel overwhelmed, to do something that actually calms me down instead of something that overstimulates me with a different set of inputs. 

How am I going to do this? Well, bringing my knitting with me, of course! In all seriousness, though, I have started bringing it to work and to my numerous appointments. The swatchbook project is great to work on in tiny pieces because the swatches are very repetitive and I’m not waiting for a certain part of the pattern. Since I’m going to so many appointments and my new company is enforcing my lunch break (there are some positives!), I’m getting a lot more done.

It’s a small step, but at least it’s a step. I’m not trying to do anything drastic because I’m still exhausted and in pain most of the time. And sometimes I do just want to chill out and watch tv. That’s kind of the point, though. I’m trying to listen to my body and my feelings and do what I think is best for me in the moment instead of the habit I’ve created. 

I’ll check back in soon.

-Erica

Knitted swatch of the moss stitch in yellow cotton yarn.

Moss Stitch: An inventory of things I need to deal with

Erica, Free

After the linen stitch, I decided to stick with easy and repetitive stitches and learned the moss stitch. This was pretty easy to get into. It’s almost the same as the linen stitch. And I’m still in the stage of not-New-Year’s Resolutions that I’m pretty motivated. I don’t know how long it will last, though. I’ve dealt with some of the easier stuff I’ve been facing, but there are lots I need to deal with that will take a lot of time and energy. Here’s a rough inventory of everything I have to deal with in the hopes it will make me actually do what I need to:

  1. Health Issues –  Both physical and mental. There’s the chronic fatigue and the constant sense of anxiety and inability to focus or accomplish a single simple task. These are probably separate issues but seem to have a symbiotic relationship and are both feeding off each other. I have a doctor’s appointment coming up and I’m definitely going to bring it up. 
  2. Money issues – Ah, the ever-present money issues. My job doesn’t pay me enough, but I can’t get a new job because I’m too tired and too burnt out to feign enthusiasm over another stupid admin job at a stupid company selling things people don’t need. I’m lucky enough that I can ask my parents for help when I need it, but that doesn’t feel good when you’re approaching thirty. 
  3. Car problems –  see above entries on money and lack of executive function 
  4. Family stuff: My mom broke her shoulder recently. She needs surgery. She’ll be fine, but she likes to keep busy and now she can’t do anything for a couple months. It just sucks that I can’t do more than call her every couple days. 

Anyway, moss stitch. It looks cool. Maybe I’ll make something with this stitch someday. 

-Erica 

Linen Stitch

Linen Stitch: Don’t Let an Arbitrary Moment Dictate the Start of Something New

Erica, Free

Or at least, choose your own arbitrary moment to start something new.

I did it again. I fell for the oldest trick in the book. I hoped that a single arbitrary moment in the infinite passage of time would completely change me as a person. My New Year’s Resolutions were lofty, and naive. There is so much I want to change, but so much that is also outside of my control. RIght after the new year, work picked up and I had to work a bunch of overtime. All the overtime made me sick, and even though I’m better, I’m still just tired. 

So, I came up with some … I don’t know …. I don’t want to call them resolutions. I guess some long-term, gradual goals that will hopefully help me feel like I’m accomplishing something and help me have a more positive outlook on life. 

  1. Keep working on this swatchbook. I’m really enjoying learning all these new stitches. Eventually, I’ll make a cover and move on to bigger projects that involve these stitches, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m done. I’ll be building my repertoire as long as I’m knitting. 
  2. Obligatory less screen time goal. But I’m not going to look at the numbers. That has never worked for me. What I’ve realized is that I turn to things like the TV and my phone when I’m feeling overwhelmed, but they also overwhelm me. The antidote to being overwhelmed isn’t to choose what overwhelms me, but to break things down into smaller tasks and remove stimuli until I feel better. I’m going to try to internalize that.
  3. Exercise more often, but in smaller amounts. Obviously, exercise is a very personal thing, and I’m not unique in having a fraught relationship with it. I have a lot of trouble establishing a consistent routine because I get either sick or exhausted so easily. I want to get a simple routine that at least gets me moving every day to help me through those periods instead of hoping they will go away. 
  4. Identify the barriers when I feel stuck. I get stuck so easily. Either I feel overwhelmed, or I’m tired, or not feeling well, or it actually is something external that I have to deal with but don’t want to. Sometimes it’s as simple as telling myself “you’re just tired, go to bed.” or “you don’t have to clean, just change the litter boxes.” But other times, it’s more complicated. If I take a second to think “What specific obstacle am I facing now?” and focus on that, rather than the larger end goal, maybe I won’t feel as overwhelmed.

How is it that I’m feeling more hopeful for the year in February after a truly awful January? I don’t know. I just hope (lol) that I can keep it up!

-Erica

The Second Harvest: At Least Someone’s Eating

Ella, Free

Erica’s reaction to her meager first harvest was commendable. I had hoped her second harvest would be even more bountiful to buoy her spirits, but that hasn’t been the case. There are many reasons for this, some environmental and some personal

On the environmental side, the light there isn’t great. It’s partially blocked by her neighbors garage, her own building, and the trash cans. There’s also the fact that squirrels and opossums have found the garden and have fewer compunctions about eating unripe fruit. We’ve also had a drought earlier this summer which certainly hampered growth. 

Erica and I aren’t completely without responsibility either, though. She’s had a lot going on lately. Between work, her health, and just living her life, she’s had a lot to deal with. Standing outside for 20 minutes on a 90 degree night and watering her garden. She also was a little overzealous in her planting and now the garden is difficult to move around in and some plants are crowding each other out. 

She seems okay with it, though. Despite a relatively high start up cost compared to her other projects. Some of it is just a learning experience, certain things just don’t grow well in her yard, maybe a bush tomato would be better next year, fresh kale is great, but it’s hard to keep the caterpillars off it. Plus, the strawberries are in the ground now. They’ll be there forever no matter what she does. 

It can be hard to see a new project fall into neglect, especially one you were so excited about. But sometimes that’s necessary in order to attend to more important needs. Erica dreams of growing her own food. She’s at least trying a little. But she also doesn’t have adequate time or ideal space. She also needs to take care of her mind and body first.

I also haven’t been as helpful as I could have been. I’ve been more focused on helping Erica with things like cleaning and meal prep than gardening. She’s in a good place with all that now. And Jane is helping her. So now it’s my turn to tend to something I’ve been neglecting. 

-Ella

Strawberries in a bowl

The First Harvest: An Exercise in Reframing

Ella, Free

Another post that I meant to publish a lot sooner when it would have been much more relevant.

Planting a garden often leads to visions of abundance and self-sufficiency. For every container of strawberries Erica buys at the grocery store while her own very small strawberries are ripening, I know she envisions herself filling one of these containers with her own strawberries. 

This is almost never the case with a garden of that size. There’s not enough sun, the soil is not fertile, no matter how much she does to improve it, and the space allotted to her is fairly small. In her head, she knows this, but that does not stop the dreams of harvests abundant enough to put a dent in her grocery bills. 

Nevertheless, Erica was delighted by her first harvest of eight tiny strawberries. I had braced myself for the disappointed meltdown. It is so easy, when everything else is letting you down, to prop all your hopes and dreams on one aspect of your life. But instead, Erica found the joy in her eight little strawberries that together probably weigh as much as one grocery store strawberry. Instead of trying to replace her groceries with her garden food, she chose to see these little ones as a bonus. An extra treat in her day that made her look forward to coming home from work every night.

-Ella

Cable Stitch Swatch

Cable Stitch: Being Money Poor and Time Poor

Erica, Free

One reason I started this project is because I’m a little short on funds right now. Like most of the world, my salary has not kept pace with increased prices and I don’t have as much money for fun stuff. That includes both activities outside of home and spending money on my hobbies. This swatchbook is nice because I had already bought the yarn and I’m using instructions I can find for free on the internet. (I did buy a small kit of knitting supplies because I didn’t have a cable needle)

The trouble is, I’m time poor in addition to being money poor. I do so many things myself since I can’t afford to buy stuff or outsource the parts of my life I don’t want to do. Meal prepping takes time. Shopping around for the best deal on things I actually need takes time. And of course, maintaining the possessions I already have so I don’t need to buy new ones takes time. 

Then, I have my actual hobbies. In some cases, I purposely chose time-intensive hobbies so that I don’t accumulate as much stuff. My first foray into knitting resulted in more scarves than I knew what to do with, but no desire to learn a more advanced technique. Now, I’m committed to learning new things so that I can actually make things I want to wear, and possibly things I wouldn’t be able to afford on my own. But I don’t have the time anymore. I wish I’d been a little more disciplined and determined when I was younger and had less to worry about. But we can’t go back in time. Only forward. 

Anyway, cable stitch. I can do it now. I tried with the cotton yarn and that was a bit of a bust, but luckily I had some spare acrylic yarn from a past project and that worked out great! I’ve always wanted to knit a cable sweater and knit interesting designs into the cables. Now I’m one teeny tiny step closer! 

-Erica