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To say this blog is not exactly how I imagined it is an understatement. I have been sitting on the idea starting this blog for over a year. As an avid reader of other craft and DIY blogs, I had a grand vision for my own. This grand vision involved many skills and habits I do not have. I could have waited, put my crafting projects on pause to learn these skills, but then I may have lost my momentum.
Progress photos, an essential part of any DIY blog, are the best example. I often work on my projects at night when the lighting is bad for photographs, and I have neither the budget nor space for supplemental lighting. I also sometimes just get so into whatever I’m working on at the idea of taking pictures does not even occur to me. I also don’t necessarily always have a clean and elegant setting for my photos since my coffee table is often covered with books, papers, and unfinished projects. And I’m not about to clean again just to get a quick picture.
I did think about supplementing one or two photos per post with a neat line drawing for each step. Since the lighting would again be an issue taking photos of actual drawings, I decided to purchase a drawing tablet for my computer. Well, that’s a lot harder than it seems. I haven’t given up on it yet. I’m still learning, but my skill level certainly is not in a place where I am willing to publish those drawings on the Internet.
I won’t even get into my shortcomings with WordPress and the internet in general, or crafts that I want to try, but have little experience with. If I tried to learn that before I published my first blog post, you’d never see any of this. Like all my other projects, I’ll be learning as I go, and I think that’s the most honest representation of my creative process.
I say all this not to inspire any sort of sympathy, but to say that I know it is not perfect and if I had waited until it was I would never have started. I like to create mostly because I like to control. Creating something from scratch means that I get exactly what I want, at least within my abilities. When something is beyond my abilities, I often abandon the idea without learning or asking for help.
I place an unhealthy amount of value on being naturally good at things, or at least appearing so. These warped ideals happen when you have no natural talent in areas that seem to come easily to everyone else. I’ve always been very easily overwhelmed and had trouble controlling my emotions. When I was a child, that often led to magical outbursts. They could get so bad that those around me were in danger. I was told I needed to control myself as if the outbursts were my choice, but was never taught how. My parents were ill-equipped to deal with me and professional help was out of the question. They could not trust a four-year-old to keep her mouth shut. My mother tried to teach me to cook, hoping that would help me the way it helped her, but I was so useless at it, the results were almost as dangerous as my outbursts.
Eventually, I accomplished a veneer of control. I never had an outburst when I felt good, and I felt good when I excelled and was praised. I stayed away from any activity at which I did not naturally excel. I only let myself be frustrated in private. If I had to fail at something publicly, I made a show of not putting in any effort at all. By the time I was in college, I was exhausted. I realized what I was doing was not healthy and began undoing all the harm done by the idea that I must succeed at everything.
And part of that part of undoing the damage done by those thoughts is admitting this is not perfect. It’s not how I imagined it would be. And I’m still trying really hard. But it’s still worth it, because I just need it to start.
-Erica
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