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It looks like you’ve fallen for the oldest trick in the book. In Fall 2019, you adopted another cat as a companion for me, hoping we would keep each other occupied while you were at work. How naïve you were. You did not realize the world would come to a standstill and our competition for your affection would become our favorite pastime.

We have different strategies, of course. I am moody and aloof during the day. I find the highest possible vantage point and watch you like a gargoyle. At night, I become exceptionally needy. You have bills to pay on your computer? I’m sitting on the keyboard. Cooking dinner? I’m underfoot begging for every single scrap. Going to sleep? I’ll be there, right beside you, making sure you can’t move your legs while you try to fall asleep, lest you forget me.

His approach is nearly the opposite. He is purring and compliant. He rushes to you the second you walk in the door. He demands to sit on your lap while you watch TV at night. He will fetch toys you throw for him, allowing you to be doing something else in the meantime. All night, he’ll play on his own, but in the morning, he’ll be breathing in your face, reminding you that it’s breakfast time, even if your alarm hasn’t gone off yet.

We complement each other perfectly. Sometimes it’s the only thing we can agree on. Between the two of us, we can command nearly all of your attention. I wonder if you realize the irony of your situation. I did not know you when you were in high school, but I know your type. You were the kind of person who had very little sympathy for any fictional character who was involved in anything that looked remotely like a love triangle.

Now, of course, your perspective has shifted with more lived experience, a greater capacity for empathy, and a voracious appetite for rom coms. You don’t seem to realize that you’ve created that exact scenario, albeit with much lower stakes. You get all the attention and affection, but with none of the problematic expectations. Your life is still completely yours. Our needs and demands remain the same, food, water, clean litter box, engaging play. And best of all, there is no pressure to eventually choose between us. You’ve already chosen both of us.  

It’s really the perfect scenario, the opposite of a catch-22. Either we continue this way forever, and you keep your continuous source of affection, or you need us less, we bond over our shared unrequited attention and you get what you want in the first place.  

-Harry and Dash